Walls and Bridges: The Intergenerational Relationships of Coupled
Gay Men and Lesbians
 
Michael C. LaSala, MSW, Ph.D.
School of Social Work
Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey
536 George Street
New Brunswick, New Jersey 088901
(732) 932-3580
FAX: (732) 932-8181
mlasala@rci.rutgers.edu
Clinicians and researchers have recognized the importance of good intergenerational relationships to healthy heterosexual marriage (Boszormenyi-Nagy & Sparks, 1973; Bowen, 1978; Burger & Milardo, 1995; Lewis, 1989; McGoldrick, 1999).  Research findings suggest that parental disapproval may be associated with being distrustful and critical toward one’s spouse (Driscoll, Davis & Lipetz, 1972), can influence mate choice (Jedlicka, 1984) and may impede the progression of a relationship from dating to marriage (Leigh, 1982).  Surveys indicate that upon coming out to parents, lesbians and gay men have been known to encounter disappointment, rejection, verbal threats, and even physical violence (D’Augelli, Hershberger & Pilkington, 1998; Results of Poll, 1989; Warshow, 1991).  If intergenerational relationships play an influential role in adult heterosexual marriage, it is reasonable to wonder how gay men and lesbians are maintaining their dyads in the face of parental disapproval.

This proposed paper presentation will describe the results of two studies that explored coupled gay men's and lesbian's relationships with their parents and in-laws.  Semi-structured, in-depth interviews of 80 respondents in 20 gay male and 20 lesbian couples were coded using grounded theory methodology (Glaser, 1978).  Virtually all of the respondents experienced profound parental disapproval upon coming out and while parents’ attitudes improved with time, parental shame persisted.  Gay male couples coped with parental censure by sustaining seemingly impenetrable intergenerational boundaries.  In comparison, the women exerted considerable effort to maintain ties to even the most rejecting parents.  For the lesbians, partners encouraged parental contact and acted as buffers between disapproving parents and daughters.  Based on these findings, social workers assisting lesbians or gay men with intergenerational issues are advised to enlist the help of their clients' partners.  Paper presentation will include additional clinical implications.

REFERENCES
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Results of poll. (1989, June 6). San Francisco Examiner, p. A19.

Warshow, J. (1991). How lesbian identity affects the mother/daughter relationship In B. Sang, J. Warshow, & D. Smith (Eds.), Lesbians at midlife: The creative transition (pp. 81-83). San Francisco: Spinster Book Co.